I found this drawing in one of my many visual diaries and I remember when I drew it. I was sitting in a very groovy café on Grafestr – one I would walk past every morning and afternoon taking Toddler to kita but it’s not the pram type of place. I’d sometimes see people that I knew -friends or friends of friends – we’d pretend we didn’t see one another as I was pretty much never really OK.
I haven’t thought much about Berlin since returning – I didn’t feel much when we were leaving – I was just focused on getting out of there. When traveling with a toddler, you don’t have much time to reminisce. I cried very briefly about Berlin when we transferred to the third and final plane in Singapore – but I mostly cried because of how fucking horrible it was to travel such a long distance with a toddler who hasn’t even traveled much in a car.
( I blog about a lot of the nitty gritties but that trip was so awful I thought I’d leave it alone.)
Anyway, whenever Toddler was in kita I’d go to all the places I couldn’t go with her, I’d climb up and down stairs, I’d go to tiny poky shops that I had no interest in purchasing anything from – but just to look and to be there because I could. In this café I sat in a sea of glowing apples ( air book pros ) and talking was hushed like a library. I had ordered a coffee and a slice of food only to get anxious because it took such a long time and I was on my way to get Toddler from kita. So I did this drawing even though I thought it wasn’t very good.
I haven’t really had time to digest our time overseas. I want to, but again, life with a toddler does not allow for remising. It’s the here and the now and then once the day is all over it’s get ready for the next day and try – try – to get some fucking sleep. But as all the photos go up on various social network media of snow, the grey skies, the fog, I think how much I like my 32 degrees. Here when I bump into old work friends, friends of friends and they now have kids and we exchange phone numbers and meet up and some are relaxed enough to say fuck every now and again – I think of how much I like this town and the people in it. I think how old me focused too much on the negatives and now I hardly notice it – unless it throws a rock at my head.
Toddler has had most of her life in Berlin, it’s more important to me than I could articulate but I think about those times where I truly think I was crazy and though I’m stressed now – it is nothing like what I was in 2011. And with everywhere I have gone there are certain people I wish I could have packed up and brought home with me. But it is also good to know that there are some great people out there.
It’s sad that I felt at such odds with the place, there are somethings that happened there that I still can’t really come o terms with and how much I upset people with just not being OK makes me feel slightly guilty. It’s one of the things I think about late at night still.
But I just wasn’t OK and I was never going to be there.
I hope to be here.
Because this is my home and familiarity is king when you have a child – for me anyway – and everything changes when you have a child. It just took me almost three years to understand that.