Tantrum on the u-bahn

A couple of weeks ago, we went on the u-bahn together to visit a friend. I avoid the trains here and only went because Gene was there to help – if something is on that I need to catch the train for – I simply don’t go.

I’ve gotten to know this suburb quite intimately.

Back to the u-bahn trip, we left our friends house because Anja was tired and we needed to get her to sleep. But she’s not used to the train. Consequently a tantrum began that started at the beginning of the train journey and didn’t stop until the end – until we had finished our journey, climbed up all the steps and back to the streets.

Poor pickle had exhausted herself.

I don’t have a degree in psychology, but I wish I did. Maybe I would understand behavior more. Maybe I’d know the right thing to do. Because a lot of the time I am making everything up, I don’t know what the right thing is to do and sometimes I just let her scream..

( In this particular instance, I just drew the pram .. )

A friend said to me the other day that people react to a child screaming in public as if it is just another noise to turn off – too true.

Sometimes I feel that we do not understand our children and do not understand each other.

We are a series of noises, inconveniences and consequences – and that is all.

Because.

I read someones blog recently who discussed feminism and motherhood. There was a line in it where it said parenting is not the hardest job in the world…

pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttt ( A sound similar to a fart, but without the enthusiasm. )

Parenting is so hard.

My word.

On levels I can’t articulate and I try to then I wonder why I bother trying to.

Perhaps I let blogs impact on my life a little too much, but I turn to the net to ask for help because there is no one else. I think this is the way for a lot of parents these days.

Sometimes I feel so angry because I can’t hit a pause button – or jump off the parenting train – just for an hour.

Lately – well, for a little too long now – if Gene is around Anja is a completely different child to me. The change is so dramatic that the weekends are full of extreme and polarizing emotions for me. I long for them because Gene is awesome and everything feels a little bit more balanced, but I also resent them because the little girl who gives me cuddles in the afternoons when I get her from kita – is horrible to me.

I’m talking hitting, yelling, I can’t even change her nappy or her clothes – I can’t go near her. Anja is off limits for me on the weekends.

This is exhausting, I feel like I have failed. Why the hell do I always feel so guilty??

So I swing from panic – I’ve already damaged me child! To frustration – what can I do to change this?

So far if something works – it only works for a little while, or stops working – she’s becoming immune like an disease to an antibiotic.

( TERRIBLE I think of it in these terms, but I do. )

From what I can gather this is normal behaviour – ‘testing of boundaries’, ‘daddy is a novelty’ – etcetera. So we have to keep on keepin on.

My point is I think that this is the hardest job. Because when you think of having a child you only think of the baby ( and babies are EASY ), because it is non stop. Because there is no help. Because everybody judges, because nothing is more shit than your kid not wanting you . Because, because, because..

Sometimes I think she hates me and I’ve already fucked this all up.

And maybe I have.