I’m blogging from my phone – which is an infuriating process but if I don’t do it now it won’t get done.
Yesterday when I picked Toddler up from daycare I was going to catch the train with her – something I avoid because trains are not reliable/ are full of nuff nuffs – but she was screaming because she was overtired and I thought it’d get us home quicker but then decided to walk because keeping a tired kid in motion is better than the stillness of waiting. Anyway, it meant I walked us through the intersection I avoid because it scares me. I noticed police tape up and remnants of a vehicle accident – something had plowed through the protective barriers, over the pedestrian path and into a residential fence. I thought that maybe my concern about the traffic was legitimate – Toddler has walked that path. It’s all to do with timing.
Since being back here and moving to this area I have become aware of how much things have little to do with me – how much things are beyond my control or at least not completely within my control.
The traffic in this area scares me. I’ve seen a lot of accidents within the last six months, I tense up very time I hear an engine rev ( which is a lot ) I see people speed at every opportunity they have – or don’t have and do it anyway – and at first I just thought I was being precious fresh off the boat after living in Europe for a few years. It’s fine – get over it Lily. But then, I realize that perhaps I only really notice this because I do not have a car. Everyone else I know, does. I’m walking the streets and catching public transport more than everyone else I know. So when I talk about safety – I guess it is harder to explain, because my experience is different. People don’t know what I’m talking about.
And it’s not my job to make people understand me.
That I can’t go to functions in the evenings – the travel time, the darkness, the anxiety. When I talk about feeling unsafe on social media I’m often fobbed off which upsets me but I do it because I feel safer. I feel safer saying to my hundreds of followers on twitter that I’m on this train and there’s this happening. And I know that twitter is a difficult platform to navigate – we’re all coming at each other with our own limited experiences in just 140 characters but at the risk of offending people because men generally scare/ abuse/ intimidate me in public is of little consequence to why I’m doing it in the first place.
In comparison to a lot of my friends with children – I have extremely little help. I do everything to run the house, to look after three people, to keep my own work going and remembering to eat. I cook all meals which I have to choose, buy and walk home. I do the purchasing of house hold items which I have to choose out and walk home. I have to to take my daughter to and from childcare – walking by myself. I want to go see people and do work i have to catch transport by myself. I am pretty much always on my own. Which makes me a target and again – this is beyond my control.
Within the last few weeks I have been hit, sworn at, and intimidated by men. All in broad daylight which makes me want to go out even less. Which makes me want to make less eye contact – ignore people who randomly start talking to me in public. But I have to go out – I have a family to feed, a house to run and a life to live. I just wish people would take my feelings into consideration – my experience is mine. I wish people would understand that there’s a lot more going on than a simple matter of hiring a babysitter to come and see them. And that that is beyond my control – nothing personal.
But I can’t make people help me, I can’t make them visit me, I’ve done all that I can to help them understand and they just don’t hear me. And that’s ok, I don’t take it personal but I hope people don’t take my lack of appearances personally either – this is beyond my control.