Sometimes things come up and remind me of the old days – and not in that carefree I was so young way, but in that oh dear I was so unhappy kind of way.
I was surrounded by people who I had to second guess with everything – I’d analyze what I had said, how I had said it, I’d weigh up if my actions could in any way be translated in a way to offend. It’s a tiring way of being and I think I was really good at weighing up threat due to my childhood and living with somebody who was explosive.
Good at weighing up but not good with dealing with it.
For a long time I knew that people who were meant to be friends saw me in a negative light – it’s not new to me to be accused of being hateful or unable to let go. People would tell me about what other people were saying about me and I tried so damn hard to turn that negative focus into a positive one. And I admit, I just made things worse!
It hurts me when I get cut off and put down in front of people. It really hurts when I’m dismissed and told off and never given the benefit of the doubt. It hurts when I can tell I’m being manipulated but if I call it out deemed as paranoid. Unless I go along with everything I’m not going to be able to put a foot right.
I think I’ve stomped all over everything and smashed all the delicate glass wear.
But if the small things that I do provoke such strong reactions, if I’m not given a chance to have a dialogue, if its a question of my backing down and admitting hey yeah – I am a terrible, spiteful, horrible person – you’re right! Maybe it isn’t ME. Because I know when react strongly to things – it’s usually coming from something within me. I know what when something repeats itself – its usually because I haven’t dealt with it and yes it is my own shit but yes it is very normal.
I am normal and I won’t be told by other people that I am not. I am critical of behavior but that does not mean I hate. I am open and vulnerable – but that does not mean I am weak.
Little things that happen on the Internet are little things that happen on the Internet. They are unbiased and we can read into them what we will. But it isn’t my responsibility to monitor everything and to track people down and attempt to open up dialogues over and over again. It isn’t my job to give people perspective.
While I’m saddened by everyone not getting along – which is truly all I want – I’m accepting now that this is more to do with just me.
Perhaps also, people need to accept some responsibility – you come here to read this, you come here to read my thoughts and feelings and my life. If that’s a way of holding onto things and having something you can throw at me and use against me – how has that got anything to do with me? What control do I have over that? Ever heard of the term ‘hate read’..
Blogging certainly is an interesting territory. It’s mocked but my gosh people react strongly, which amazes me.
Next post will be back to drawings, I promise.