Before you read this you need to read this if you haven’t already: Birth is no time for war stories
There are many things in this article that frustrate me but I’ll start with the line
‘Funny how our own personal experiences become The Big Truth.’ which is used after a few horror stories about women telling her their ‘war stories’ – ‘unsolicited’. This sets the tone for the dismissive approach that Moss takes with women who experience trauma and fear in regard to birth. She goes on to lazily ‘cite’ some statistics, but not really – just taking out bits here and there to give her article the illusion of truth.
Moss claims that there is a rise in women’s fear of birth – yep that’s probably more to do with the fact that women now have more of a chance to talk about their fears, you know, because we have more of a voice these days. Feminism and shit. I’m pretty sure the fear has always been there. And I’m so tired of statistics, what about the individual story? Every birth is different, every person is different – there is so much more that goes into every statistic.
I’m beginning to think that using statistics as a way of understanding life and birth is not such a good thing.
Furthermore, I would like to add here that I am tired of cesareans being viewed as a bad thing and I’m sure most people reading this believe in women having choices over their bodies – so why does this change when it comes to the way women want to give birth?
This leads me to the most used and abused term in today’s vocabulary:
‘Natural Birth’.
While I know this phrase is used as people just being lazy- employing it because the only other option is to say ‘vaginal’ birth (and hey, we can’t say vagina!), it’s also a loaded statement. It means more than what is said. It means drug free, it means midwives, probably a birth pool, it means Ina May Gaskin, probably some fad thing – it means that any woman who did it any other way has deferred from their true path- or some such rubbish.
You know some women don’t want to do any of that because, well, they just don’t. That should be OK. That shouldn’t be debated and they shouldn’t have to explain themselves to anyone. Ever.
‘Natural Birth’ is a statement that I have come to loathe – I feel it’s pinch. I failed. I took all the drugs, I hated the birth pool – the weight of the water made me anxious and feel even more powerless – I had intervention, I didn’t bond instantly with my baby. But I wouldn’t say that my birth was unnatural. I wouldn’t say to any women who had a cesarean that theirs was unnatural either.
I agree that women shouldn’t stand there and tell their stories unsolicited, especially to someone who is heavily pregnant. But that goes with everything, not just birth. And you know there are a lot of women out there who don’t talk about their experience, but just because they don’t doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
I’d like to suggest to Moss that it might be helpful to consider why these women do tell their stories unsolicited. Perhaps this is symptomatic of another problem – the fact that there is no help or support for women who are traumatized. I had a terrible time of it and after what I went through there was no counseling. I went online, there was no community to discuss what happened, or how to cope with it. If I mentioned it to doctors they always smiled at me like I was a little child, nod their condescending head slowly while saying something like ‘yes, but you got through it’ and that’s it.
I think it is safe to say in this day and age that we know when someone deals with trauma, they need a bit of mental and emotional TLC. So what’s the difference with a woman who is traumatized after birth? Why do we expect women to discard it and keep going? And while you’re doing all of this disregarding and keeping on going please don’t talk about it, you might offend someone.
Mums are human too.
You know, if I’m asked by someone who is pregnant what it is like I try and give thoughtful feedback. I don’t just give the bad stuff and say it’s all shit but hey you’re up the duff so too fucking late now ha! But I really do not like this implication that because I had a bad time with birth, because I discuss it openly – than I am doing something wrong and that there is no time for my story. It’s dismissive, and honestly I’m offended.
Tara, it’s great you have opinions that you write and you write about some pretty good and important stuff, but this article – it’s no good. It’s judgmental and honestly you could have done much better.
Dear Lily,
Thank you for your thoughtful response to my piece. Curiously, it seems that we agree on practically every issue here and that leads me to believe you have misinterpreted my words. I feel that my writing may partially be to blame for that, and the headline, which is not mine. (Headlines are almost never by the author) Though I find that the topic of birth is very sensitive and judgement can often be found where there is none. This final line of my article sums up my view:
‘Birth is different for everyone. My experience does not define your experience and vice versa. There is no right or wrong way to approach birth – whether that means a planned caesarean or a medically supervised home birth – as long as we make informed choices based on evidence-based advice.’
In relation to c-sections, which are an important part of maternity care, I also wrote: ‘Cost-cutting is no reason to rob women of birth choices and there is no doubt that interventions save the lives of mothers and babies every day.’
Interestingly I have received two angry responses to this article, one saying that ‘normal birth’ is an offensive term. (it is the medical term used in the study I quoted and by WHO, etc, http://www.rcog.org.uk/files/rcog-corp/uploaded-files/JointStatmentNormalBirth2007.pdf ) and now in your blog, ‘natural birth’ is offensive. These terms have different meanings from are distinct from the term ‘vaginal birth’ in that they each refer to varying degrees of intervention. Vaginal birth may involve induction, forceps, etc. These terms refer to something which is vaginal, but also has a low level or ‘normal level’ of intervention. The World Health Organisation and others are auditing these rates of intervention because of wide ranging issues in the health care system here and overseas. In my piece I wrote that ‘In China nearly half of women give birth by caesarean, a rate WHO blames in part on the higher fees paid for the procedure’ to point to that issue.
I believe in sharing stories, in reading up, in learning. I happily talk with mums I know about their good experiences and bad. Of course negative stories must be shared and that is a different issue altogether and one that needs addressing. However I do believe there is a culture of loathing and fear of birth which is contributing to c-section rates. Obstetricians and midwives have seen this for some time. (One example http://drgregj.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/nice-article-birth-is-no-time-for-war-stories/ ) The comments from strangers to pregnant mothers can be appalling and quite scary the first time. (It was for me.) It was this, and not sharing in general, which I hoped to point to by sharing the comments I received.
You did not fail by not having a ‘natural birth’ and I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that. The support was not there for you, and the maternity care system very much let you down in that respect. More must be done to counsel and support traumatised mothers. The term ‘natural birth’ or ‘normal birth’ (which personally I think is more problematic in some ways) is not a judgement, it only describes a certain type of birth experience, also valid. We need these terms and use these terms to audit the maternity care system, and see what changes are taking place and what health outcomes are related to those changes. Not to judge mothers.
Fear does contribute to lengthening labour: http://www.bjog.org/details/news/2101819/Women_with_a_fear_of_childbirth_endure_a_longer_labour_finds_new_research.html which leads to unwanted c-sections and other interventions. Young maternal age and being a first time mum are associated with fear of child birth, and it was those women’s fears that I hoped to address. I am sorry if I did so clumsily.
Mums are certainly humans, too.
Best wishes,
Tara Moss
Dear Tara,
Thank you very much for taking the time to read and respond to my post and the issues therein.
Titles are important and I think that that title was perhaps not a very good choice. Interesting to now know you are not the one who chose it though, it very much sets a tone.
I would like you to know that this is not an angry response – I am frustrated. I am frustrated on many levels and it comes from years of reading articles like these with similar themes and tones. Perhaps if your article was an isolated incident, I would feel differently – but it isn’t. Your article claims the western world has a mentality of ‘just get through it’ as someone who went through the birth process I find that there is more pressure to enjoy it than rather than taking in the facts to make educated and informed decisions about it. Which is something I see too much with friends getting ready to have babies. We don’t know enough, it’s not talked about until, well, you’re already pregnant! I think this is a very big problem for women and perhaps what contributes a lot to the shock women seem to be experiences when becoming mothers.
Which brings me to fear. I feared birth all of my life, and as someone who became a mother earlier than a lot of my other friends, I get asked questions all the time. What I do find is actually every woman seems to fear it. While I do think that there is a need to watch how we share our experiences with pregnant people I truly do believe that fear is due to the unknown and this is a bigger problem within our society. In the western world we do not mix with people of different ages, we do not have family members birth at home, most people never hold a baby until they hold their own, we do not have people age in our homes and die. I think this ‘separateness’ from mortality – from death and birth – is our problem. Women have no idea what to expect – books are great – but when it comes to such a life experience I think seeing it, being around it is the best way to prepare for it. It is the best way to know it before experiencing it yourself. So I think it is much bigger than someone sharing a war story.
I would also like you to know that I sent this article to many mums before publishing it online and they all read your article and they all felt similar to me – some were actually quite shocked that you had written it.
‘Normal’ birth and ‘natural’ birth are both problematic terms. Your article is certainly not the first or the last to use them. So much of our language either dismisses womens experiences when it comes to pregnancy, birth and motherhood, or is just negative. I think a lot about terms employed, where they stem from, this is exclusionary language and I think as person who was a voice in our society – who writes a lot about birth, pregnancy, motherhood – perhaps it is within our responsibility to change this misuse of language. I think a lot about why women experience depression and isolation in motherhood ( which I still think is crazy, we have been doing this forever! ) I think that changing seemingly simple things such as language, would make a huge difference. I never say things such as ‘natural’ or ‘normal’ birth because I don’t know everyones experience and I’d hate to dismiss or exclude someone by one seemingly simple but ultimately damaging term.
Again thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post.
Lily Mae Martin.
Thanks Lily. I agree the headline sets the tone. It has been my experience with newspapers that you never get the headline you expect, which is unfortunate. I prefer to have that control (on my own blog, in my novels, etc). Interesting how much differently the article comes across here, with my original title: ‘The fear of giving birth’: http://www.dailylife.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/the-fear-of-giving-birth-20120625-20x0h.html I respect all experiences and birth choices, and I tried to make that clear in the context of a tight 1000 word limit. Interestingly, a lot of maternity care providers, (midwives, obst, and birth advocates) gave praise for this piece as they see it as addressing a serious issue within the maternity care system (as I do), but it was misinterpreted by some mums. For that I am sorry. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
That must be frustrating. If you write the piece, you should be able to title it!
I’m skeptical about midwives and ‘birth advocates’, my experience with them is they have an agenda and it’s generally one that has little to do with the mother or the individual case. ( I know I am not the only one who feels quite negatively about them. )
Your article has generated discussion and this can only be a positive thing. I think it could have been articulated much better, but I have already expressed this and I don’t want to go over it again and again.
There is a lot of issues here, I think overall the ‘system’, the ‘support’ ( rather, the major lack thereof ) is flawed. I wouldn’t know where to begin with how to fix it ( I have some ideas though!! ) but I think us women could take the time to express ourselves better to one another, not feel judged or silenced by one another.
Thank you again for writing.
Dear Tara,
I also read your article after being linked to it by Lily, and found the title really confronting. As someone who bought into the calm birth mentality (lock stock and $500 classes), I felt deeply unprepared for the reality of birth. Not that I think that telling a heavily pregnant woman a near-death experience is the right experience either… just that I wish I’d had someone, anyone, be a little more realistic about what was going to happen.
The healthcare system knew I was having a macrosomic baby – a child who is very big for no known reason (such as gestational diabetes). Ironically, there are procedures in place if a child is oversize because of gestational diabetes – the baby is induced before he or she gets too large. As it was, there is no procedure for macrosomia, and despite going into labour a week before my due date he was born at 4.6 kilos, or 10lbs 2oz in the old measurement. I had a horrendous, four day labour with no sleep during which no pain medication whatsoever worked for me (gas, three epidurals and fentanyl), and there were complications during the birth – my son had shoulder dystocia, whereby his shoulder became trapped behind my pelvic bone once his head had already emerged, a condition that can be dangerous to both mother and baby, I lost almost a litre of blood and I tore so badly it took three months for the wounds to fully close.
I felt both a failure after my birth experience, and failed by the medical system. They knew the risk of shoulder dystocia with a macrosomic baby, and I was not informed. They knew the risk of extra tearing, of a long labour with intervention, and I was not told. They didn’t give me the option of inducing my ridiculously healthy and oversize baby at 37 weeks, whereas if I choose to have a second child the damage to my pelvis was so bad that I will have no choice but to have a C-section.
Sometimes I wonder if that isn’t the point of war stories. Women tell them to each other to try and warn each other that sometimes things do go wrong, and you’re not a failure if it does. This may not always be executed in the best manner – but which was worse? My blind faith that I would have a positive birth experience? Or the trauma, PTSD and flashbacks I experienced after it went so terribly, terribly wrong? I’m going with the latter. Maybe women wouldn’t be so afraid if the medical profession weren’t so carefully trying to negate their fear by keeping them uninformed. Because I tell you, the fear hit me when my labour started to go bad and I didn’t know what was happening or why, not before. I have no doubt that the fear I experienced made things worse for me – possibly prolonging my labour and leading to more intervention – but it was my LACK of knowledge that caused that fear, not an abundance of knowledge from too many women telling war stories.
As much as there are aspects of your article I don’t agree with, I am glad it’s raising debate, because these things should be discussed more openly.
Mandy Lee.
Thanks Mandy. I’m sorry you were let down by the maternity care system. There are many great carers out there, and I hope situations like yours are increasingly uncommon as time goes on. Everyone’s story is different, and there is never a failure on behalf of the mother in any birth experience, though there are sometimes failures in care in and out of the hospital system. I hope we can move towards a better, more consistent maternity care model in future, with the best care and evidence based advice available to all women across the country and overseas.
Best wishes,
Tara
PS To clarify, by ‘the maternity care system very much let you down in that respect’ I mean in terms of the counselling and support you did not receive.
This is not the first time I have found Tara to have been dismissive and simplistic in her stated views. And this contrasts harshly with her intelligence and her position as ‘Baby Friendly’ advocate. Or maybe it doesn’t – maybe everything with her views is about the baby and little about the mother and maybe that’s where the problem lies.
Hi Kelly, Thanks for your response. I checked my piece with UNICEF and BFHI (the Baby Friendly Health Initiative) before submitting it, and received their full support and enthusiasm. I do feel the headline skewed it, and like I said, I did not write that title and authors have no control over headlines, unfortunately. (I disagree with that policy but it is common across newspapers.) My piece was very much about the comments I received and how it affected me, and the health and wellbeing of mothers, which I care deeply about (babies, too, obviously), which is why I specifically quoted stats on health risks for mums, and omitted stats on risks for babies in this article. Nonetheless, I will take all this feedback on board. It seems there is no major clash of views here, only an issue of articulating those views well, on a very sensitive topic.
Best wishes,
Tara
Thanks for coming to visit here Tara. As you say, there is definitely no clash of views, more that this is the second occasion in recent times that I have found you a little dismissive of some of the ‘little’ things that influence the choices a woman might make while navigating the minefield that is pregnancy/birth/being a new mum. I find this jarring because of the balance you exhibit when writing on pretty much any other topic!
Hi Kelly
This is only the second article I have read by Tara so I am pretty new to her work. But within the context of what I think about this article upset me some so I thought I would write about it. Especially since friends and other Mums had expressed the same concerns and reactions I thought I’d give it a bit of a voice.
Thank you for reading and responding!
Lily Mae
I am yet to discover an area in which talking less about a problem helped resolve it, and am frankly flabbergasted at the notion that this could be an exception.
So rather than keep quiet in case your story frightens someone and, dear lord, prolongs their labor, keep talking. This issue is far too important to be shushed. If it creates fear, what of it? In my opinion fear is the product of bad practice, not the mentioning of it.
x
Yes I think fear is brought on by many other factors for sure.
Thanks!
X
Hi Lily,
I’ve just discovered your blog and I’m glad I did. I also discovered you have me on your blogroll (thank you)! This is an interesting discussion. I think, for me, the larger theme at work here is one of what I would term ‘journalistic’ writing vs. blog writing. I realize I’m making some vast stereotypes here. There are all types of blog writing, but the ones I tend to read are honest, personal and sometimes raw. Their writing is from the heart. A lot of journalistic writing, especially in the SMH I’ve found, have a different objective. The objective seems to be to not necessarily inform, but entertain and/or provoke. Therein lies the pageviews, as we all know.
I found the title and the accompanying picture somewhat confronting and found myself dismissing the article after the first couple of paragraphs because in my mind, I lumped it in with all those other mainstream media pieces which seek to provoke. I’m so tired of those. I’ve simply stopped reading them.
I’m not familiar with Tara. I found I disliked her article but liked her comments on your blog, probably because the style of writing differed with each medium. One was provocative, the other friendly and conversational.
I wrote a couple of articles for a similar (though smaller) media site and found I didn’t like it. They chose headlines and images for my work which was, you guessed it, provocative. I’m a small fish in a big sea, but if I am going to write for another outfit, I want to make sure the delivery matches my voice and style, which wasn’t the case in this one instance.
As far as birth, I had one induced labor that ended in a cesarean and one ‘natural’ VBAC. I don’t really see one as better than the other. If I could have gotten my hands on drugs for the 2nd birth, I would have, to be honest. The second was a lot harder but I recovered faster, which was my primary concern (I didn’t want to be on bedrest when I had a toddler in the house). People have a lot of opinions about birth. But then people have a lot of opinions about most things.
- Kristin
Hi Lily,
I came across this blog through your captivting art. You are truly talented…
I saw this post and couldn’t sleep thinking about it. I wasn’t sure about commenting but after not being able to forget it, here I am.
You mention there are a lot of articles being written about this subject and that you find it frustrating, which is hardly surprising considering you and many other women were traumatised by your birth experience. For that reason I think we (women) have to look more deeply into this subject and therefore such articles are surely a positive thing. I will admit that statistics are often empty in meaning, but we must bring more awareness to this sensitive topic in which I assume we all have a common goal – preventing as many women as possible from having these negative experiences. Perhaps you have come to believe this to be imposible, which would be a shame.
As someone who had a wonderful birth, people see me as “lucky” and I continually feel I have to apologise – I am the only mother in my circle of friends who can truly say this. Luck, although in the game had little to do with it and this is why I think this article has merit. It tries to bring our attention to the fear and negativity, the routine medical interventions and the lack of emotional support surrounding child birth. I’m afraid “feminism and shit” has failed to touch this subject, although it has brought us to talk more openly about birth, as you said, which is a good thing. Let’s face it, feminism itself is still in the process of growing and maturing.
If you will alow me, I will explain how my experience lead me to feel very strongly about this topic and how I deeply wish, from the bottom of my heart that every woman could be spared the trauma and offered the care she needs. Things really have to change.
After the intial awe of finding out I was pregnant, I was terrified about giving birth. I tried to get information about it from the internet, including videos (which horrified me). I remeber spending a whole afternoon in tears which was followed by months of “denial”, until my bump became a constant reminder of the inevitable. I decided to face it and “get help”. Not knowing anyone who had given birth recently (which in hindsight was a good thing) I guessed I should make a list of things I want/don’t want for the birth and then find a midwife. I found that most midwives worked in agencies and that the best thing was to go to one of their open evenings. Insignificant amongst a group of equally frightened looking mums-to-be I listened to the presentation about birthing classes and aftercare and waited to speak to someone after. My main question was “who will be there at the birth?” to which “we don’t do that” was the answer. So my birth was to be attended by a bunch of strangers, then? Yes, and there may be shift changes during the birth. I left wondering what the job of an agency midwife was.
I couldn’t imagine not at least meeting the people who were going to help me bring my child into the world, even if it were just once, but it seemed this was an unusual request. The horror I felt drove me to find someone who offered this service and it was not an easy task. It was only when I met her that the feelings I had were given a voice. I saw her several times before the birth, just for talks and slowly I was given the chance to plan my birth, with her guidence, making the choices which were right for me. There is no “normal birth” as you said, but there is a birth which suits you and you need to have the chance to decide, out of love, not fear, so you need a sympathetic, strong and patient person to listen to you in good time before the birth. She had seen for herself how hospital staff can be disconnected from their patients due to stress and overwork. She told me stories of how she stopped doctors going too far with epesiotomies and other interventions (although you say c-sections are not a bad thing, they can sometimes lead to trauma for the baby and difficulty bonding) and always reassured me that the more comfortable a woman feels, the easier it is and that there was no reason to feel uncomfortable as she would be right there throughout to support me. I am certain this changed how I felt going into the birth. I was perfectly calm and although it was the hardest work imaginable, I stayed clam throughout, which I am convinced I could not have done without her. I felt confident enough not to take any medication (which is proven can cause complications leading to interventions) but without her I think things could have been very different.
In summation, what I (and as I understand it Tara Moss too) am trying to say is how important a womans emotional needs are. A doula or midwife (who does births) is something I believe all women should have. I am shocked to find people often see it as indulgant or too expensive. I agree with Tara, this kind of “just survive it” attitude needs to change. Let’s stop being dismissive of this fragile, sacred moment that a child enters the world.
Hi Clare
Thanks for writing.
I in no way feel that any woman should be apologizing for their experiences. I think that no matter which was it goes it seems everyone feels like they should be apologizing to everyone – which again is symptomatic of a larger issue.
I say c-sections are ‘not a bad thing’ because it’s an option that women should feel that they are allowed to chose, babies are traumatized and can have complications coming out ‘naturally’ too.
This is an in response to an isolated article and combined with my own experience, which overall has been very negative and I don’t expect it to be the same for any woman by any means – but I do know of women out there, myself included, who felt this article offhand. I understand now, after writing my article and the discussion that has followed, what Tara was trying to say – but I certainly didn’t get that through the original article.
I am glad you found someone to guide you through, I don’t think it is indulgent at all, in fact – I think it is sad that it was so hard to find someone! I think there is so much that is being brought up in here and it’s pretty clear there’s a lot of things that could be worked on. But I remember that too, feeling unsettled that they had no idea who would be at the birth, I just didn’t have the confidence to try and when I did voice my concerns I was treated like I was doing something wrong.
Thanks for reading!
Lily Mae
The intention behind any creation is at best, second to the response it gets so it’s great that you posted it, with your own feelings attached. Both the article and your response got people thinking and more importantly, sharing. If talking openly doesn’t bring about change, I don’t know what will.
Ironically, the insensitivity of whoever it was who chose the title also brings to light the ignorance surrounding this issue. The feeling that women should keep quiet about their negative experiences is part of the problem. Thanks for sharing – it goes a long way toward healing.
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