Weather/ together

We’re out on the street next to the busy road, my toddler is marching with determination. Her little hand is clasped, tightly, around her bucket handle, which is rattling with three different types of spades. There’s no sand in sight.

Then the rain comes, it’s not a pita pata pita pata – there’s no rhythm to it. It’s as if someone has kicked over the watering can - all coming down hard heavy and quick. Clumsy.

I’m wet, the wind is making me cold and my fucking hair is everywhere. We take shelter under wind beaten trees and she takes out a spade to dig at the mud, shit and dirt. I tell her not to do that, brushing the muck off of her spade while we chant ‘yucky, eww’. Then we put the spade back into the bucket and together, we go home.

Lakes

The thing about becoming a parent – is once you become one, you are always one. What I mean by this is I am always noticing dangers, I am always noticing stores that I could fit my pram into – even if Toddler isn’t with me and it is my time off.

On Saturday I went to some lakes with my friend. We went to the Schlachtensee and Krumme lanke in Berlin’s South West. We walked around the lake to a large restaurant and ordered coffee – which came to us without milk and in a mug. Mmmmmmm. The sun was on our backs and in our eyes and it was relaxing. It was beautiful. It was an ideal place to bring your child.

These streets alone

I had so many words in my head but now they’re gone. I am trying to write poetry for my class but I know it is all going to come out wrong – just another bad poem on another wasted page.

I’m no poet, I know this, but what am I?

I feel so lonely. Walking these same streets in the snow, wind, sun, rain – no face is ever familiar.

I’ve always done something and the world never seems to be short of someone willing to punish me.

Where’s a pat on the back?

Where’s a horizon line?

Where’s sunlight that lasts more than twelve hours?

 

Berlin + summer = bunting

It’s true.

Everywhere I have lived in Berlin, as I watch the seasons change – this city transforms and opens itself up to the warmer weather – the invisible bunting fairies come to town.

Seemingly over night, they decorate this place like a Christmas tree, only less tackier. Less tackier and in the name of something that is more worthy of celebration, than an age old tradition that no one really believes in anymore – celebrating the warm, life, the sun on your skin, happiness in aimlessness – summer.

 

An open letter to my early twenties self

In the spirit of two of my favourite blogging ladies, Madeleine Hamilton and Mandy writing to themselves and girls in the early twenties, I thought I’d write one too.

Dear Lily Mae in her early twenties,

I know you think you know everything there is to know in the world – but you don’t. Trust me, I know you’ve been through a lot already but it’s really not that much in comparison to what you will soon learn and know. Here are a few tips from your furutre self to try and to make this a happier time for you:

Stop hating everyone:

Hate is something that you carry, it is something that weighs you down. I know that saying you hate people makes you feel as if you have some power and control over the situation – but it doesn’t. That is a lie your brain tells you to stay on this destructive path. Forgive the many hims and the many hers, they are just human too. You’ll feel a lot better for it. And if you feel people have really, truly wronged you and humanity – just don’t have them in your life anymore than you need to. Simple.

Appreciate your family:

The saying you like, ‘you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family’ is true – but who cares. All those years lost doesn’t mean you have to keep them lost. Family will be there unconditionally - well maybe not all of them, but most. Invite your Nan and your Father to the wedding, dammit.

Appreciate your friends:

I’m not talking about those people who you want to be your friends, I’m talking about the people who were actually your friends. Stop valuing people on their creativity, what they do and start valuing them for the good people that they are. Good people are valuable, any arsehole can be creative.

STOP DRINKING:

You’ve struggled with it over and over again and I know it’s hard, but stop it. You’ve put yourself in danger many times, you hate being not in control so why are you rendering yourself out of control? Actually, never-mind why, just stop it and you can work out all the other stuff after you’ve stopped it. It makes you sad, it makes you less than and worst of all it makes you hate yourself.

Stop hating you:

Stop hating your hair, stop hating you face, stop hating your nose, stop hating your forehead, stop hating your body. Your body is a really good one – it works, it’s never really been sick, you have all of your limbs and you are actually quite attractive. What makes a person beautiful – is confidence, so try that out instead of all the hair dyes, waxing, stupidly tight dresses. Oh and your pot belly, it’s super cute so stop torturing yourself over it.

Stop bitching:

Again, with the hating of people, but this is slightly different and I think this problem is bigger than most people give it credit for. People bond by bitching and this is no way to make a friend. It’s also no way to treat other people and never mind if they do it about you. It’s wasting your time and it’s wasting your brain power. Anyone who bitches, well – it says more about them than the people who they are bitching about. You know this so stop doing it.

Enjoy life:

You’re a young woman in one of the safest countries in the world – it has good weather, super sexy boys, super great people, a great standard of living, great lifestyle, just enjoy it and never-mind all that other stuff, it’s just stuff.

Love,

Nearly thirty year old Lily Mae.

 

Camille, drawing

No Future

 

Beauty in a door and a towel

The noise the noise the noise

We awoke to drilling next door.

They say it is to go on for two, three or four weeks.

Always the pessimist

I made it happen, went to therapy and gave it that extra shot- and it paid off.

While I am not sure I agree with everything, I am learning some useful tools, training my brain to think and react differently. I want it to happen, I already have the pause before the madness- I just don’t know how to procede.

I’ve been fuming again over this last week and trying to look at why- trying to look at all the other stuff that is going on to make me get so. damn. angry. at people who shoulder me in the street/ construction work/ cyclists/ why am I angry people like crystals? Why do I take it all so personally? Why do I push myself to a point where I am not enjoying what I do? Why do I scold myself? Why do I end up screaming when my child is just screaming from fever/ tiredness/ needs.

Trying to take time to just be is almost impossible with a child, overseas, no one to help. I accept that I slip up, I snap, I break, I cry – I’m human.

I’m a work in progress.

Though I’ve slipped up, snapped up, broken, cried, been busy with being human- doesn’t mean I can’t change these things that trap me and make me tight, make me hate myself – make me feel useless. I can’t change overnight, but I will change. I will train my brain, get my time, I will be perfectly imperfect.

So I might not achieve this by putting rocks in my water, but those rocks – they work for some.

( The above photos were taken by Beth Jennings last week. )