This is a little unusual for this blog, but these are very unusual times – this is Lily’s husband writing. Lily gave me me this sketch to post on her behalf, and I thought that I’d take the opportunity to write. I hope she doesn’t mind.
Being a parent is a tough gig and although it’s certainly a rewarding one, the reward system is unlike any that you will be familiar with from your pre-parenting life. In return for being responsible for a small and mostly helpless human being 24 hours a day, you get the joy of their love and and happiness. You get to see them grow and learn new things. The pride of watching them reach new milestones like walking and talking. But you also get abused, hit, screamed at, thrown up and shat on. You get the judgmental looks from strangers as your toddler rolls around on the street / café floor / train tantruming because you wouldn’t let them do whatever extremely dangerous thing they were were determined to do.
It’s not at all that I think that the rewards of having a child aren’t enough (even though as I write this Anja is screaming her head off out of frustration in not being able to force a pencil into a small cloth bag), but I think that as a society we’ve been taught never to be satisfied. We’re taught that nothing is more important than being successful, or famous, or having the most… whatever. So many of of my contemporaries are so driven to succeed, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m one of them; my career is deeply important to me. So once our child is born and we come down from the excitement of that big achievement, how can we reconcile our old reward system with this new one? Long after everybody has stopped congratulating us on bringing a new beautiful life into the world and we’re still changing nappies and being screamed at.
Lily is an amazing person and I have more love and respect for her that I could put in to words. She’s also unbelievably talented and I’m constantly in awe of her. But like the rest of us, she’s driven to succeed. On top of mothering a toddler, she has an art career and maintains two blogs. In fact I think that this blog is a way for Lily to attempt to bring her two worlds (art and motherhood) together. I honestly don’t know how she does it all.
Perhaps there isn’t anything wrong with the desire for success, but I think that it’s time that as a society we begin to treat parents, particularly those who take the majority of the care, as valuable and successful too.
Of course what I’ve written about here isn’t the only reason that Lily is in the hospital, it’s only a fraction of it, but I think it needs talking about all the same. I’m not sure exactly how long Lily will be in the hospital, but I am hopeful that the outcome of all of this will be positive, make her happier, and us stronger as a family.
I love you Lily. xx
Gene, i have recently came out the otherside of perinatal depression. It was gruelling and awful for me and my family. I am an artist and mother of now three boys. i wept when i realised i could no longer even attempt to do it all. Success is such a strange notion: especially if you never saw your self as being the woman who says “mother” when asked what it is that you do. I empathise so much with lily, and my husband you. You guys are experiancing a difficult time in anyones life in very tough circumstances with such little support.
take care Amelia
Gene, I know this is a scary time for you. (I’ve spent time in hospital myself, leaving my husband to deal with a high pressure job & two teenagers who were not old enough to drive themselves, & the editing of/delivering a sports newsletter, plus the running of a house). Lily is in the best place for her at the moment. She is safe (most importantly) and hopefully being well cared for. Unfortunately, all mums are expected to be able to hold down a full time job, while being a full time stay at home mum. It’s what I was brought up on in the ’70s. These days, most women judge other women by how they dress, how they dress their children, how clean their children are, how clean their homes are; the list goes on. We all need to do what is best for us & our children. It’s just so hard to be able to do it without seeing/hearing the judgement from others. If only we could just learn to listen to our own instincts, things may get a whole lot easier.
“…Anja is screaming her head off out of frustration in not being able to force a pencil into a small cloth bag), but I think that as a society we’ve been taught never to be satisfied. We’re taught that nothing is more important than being successful, or famous, or having the most…” Mmmm – interesting words. Read them again, I think you may have the answer. We learn to be successful as well as being taught. I bet Anja was all smiles when she managed to get the pencil into the bag… she taught herself how to succeed. If you helped her get the pencil in the bag, you’ve taught her how to succeed. You are both now satisfied with her success. It’s OK. The terrible twos are probably the hardest age to deal with, seriously. These little people are learning so much, their bodies are growing, they’re learning to walk, language, independence, behaviour to control themselves, their environment, you & Mum, what’s safe & what’s not. It’s a lot for everyone to deal with & it can be scary for a little kid. It can also be one of the most wonderful times for you as a Dad & Lily as a Mum.
I hope that Lily will be well, I hope that you both have help – emotionally as well as with everything else. I hope that you, Gene, have people you can ask for help, who will come to your aid when you need it. I understand that this is not all that has contributed to Lily’s health. Stay strong, please ask for help as you need it. Make sure Lily enjoys the fresh air with you & Anja (keep her away from the nutters, most of them are harmless, but it’s not a normal environment by any stretch of the imagination). I hope that Lily learns that she is not being judged by everyone, that she accepts that she IS a wonderful Mum (& you’re a wonderful Dad!!!). Stay safe all of you, Spring is here. New days ahead.
Please read this article, it may help. http://thehoopla.com.au/day-the-perfect-mum-lost/ (Just copy & paste)
Lily is beautiful and loving and wonderful. Please let her know she is loved.
Thinking of you all.
Xx Corinne and Jon
Gene, your love of and support for Lily are so important and evident throughout this posting. You are loving her and not judging her, and I’m sure that has to help her. In the meantime, what Carol said is important too–get whatever help and support you can for yourself too. Wishing all of you the very best.
Gene, please send my best to Lily. She is a remarkable person with a unique point-of-view; I adore her work. Okay, this may ramble: I grew-up in a family of painters and photographers and am well-versed in the pitfalls of chasing success. As artists we’re inundated with other people’s definitions of “making it” and that can eat us alive. It’s a ton of pressure. Not understanding how to deal with the stress ruined one of my careers. My wife is a published author and was once chewed-up and spit out by the whirlwind of New York publishing–she is very shy and, when she should have been at the top of the world, she was miserable trying to understand what success meant. I guess what we learned from these experiences is to not let anyone else tell us what we wanted. People in this business are fond of prattling strategies and stringing pearls of wisdom together for artists. At the end of the day, you and Lily are the only ones who can know what success is for you. You create it. Let others define success however they want, but you and Lily are the only ones who know the tomorrow you are committed to. It’s the people you become and what you contribute to the world that gives meaning to your lives. You both will learn from this experience, and the growth will be powerful.
best regards,
D H
mental shoes magazine
Pingback: The End. | Berlin Domestic